


Remembering Yesterday

by keireshi (holcene)



Category: So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:12:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4371443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holcene/pseuds/keireshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me just say that I hate this fic. I hate it with the burning passion of a thousand suns, and even then that doesn't accurately describe how much I /actually/ loathe it. I wrote it so long ago and there's so much that I would change about it now if I wasn't so lazy, but alas, I am really quite lazy and so here is this mess that I hate. I posted this back on my LJ (now deleted, RIP) and I kind of just left without warning so I apologize for that. Keireshi isn't a name I'll be posting anything new on any time soon, but I will post all of my old stuff here for anyone who wants it. So, really, thank you to anyone who reads this and actually enjoys it lol</p></blockquote>





	Remembering Yesterday

_Her name is Tiffany._

_You love her._

__

The ink is faded on her skin and messily written so it must have been done some time ago. Jessica looks over her shoulder to where a girl lay on her bed, back facing her. Brown hair is splayed across her pillow and the skin on her back is white and looks smooth to the touch. Jessica hasn’t properly seen her face yet except for the brief moment when she had turned over after waking up and jumped back after seeing someone else on the bed with her, but Jessica knows that the girl is beautiful. Her heart jumps just by looking and Jessica wonders what she’s like, how her voice sounds, how her eyes look. She wants to know who she is.

Her name is Tiffany.

Jessica loves her.

She just can’t remember why.

\--

The first time, it’s raining. It had started suddenly while Jessica was walking home from work so in an effort to save herself – and her shoes – from the pouring rain she had ducked under the first shelter she could find.

Jessica likes the rain. It’s always different, always changing. A drop of rain can never hit the ground twice. Jessica likes that. She likes it when things change because nothing ever does for her. She feels like she’s been stuck in the same day for years with no way of moving forward. It’s tiring feeling like she’s always missing something, like she’s always the last to know.

And she is.

Because she will never remember yesterday.

As she’s standing in front of the small convenience store, looking longingly at the rain soaked streets in front of her, someone else quickly runs underneath the makeshift shelter. Jessica watches with mild interest as the girl drops the cheap magazine she had been using as an umbrella, sighing with distaste at its uselessness. She’s completely soaked, strands of wet hair clinging to a flushed face and clothes dripping with water. She looks up at Jessica and their eyes meet.

She’s beautiful.  

“The rain came out of nowhere.” The girl says dejected annoyance laced in her tone.

Jessica swallows and nods slightly. She’s always been wary about talking to strangers.

The girl sighs and stares out at the rain.

“Doesn’t look like it’s going to let up anytime soon, does it?”

“Y-yeah”

As Jessica focuses on breathing from her peripheral she sees the girl turn towards her, feels her eyes bore into her. It makes her shift uncomfortably being under such scrutiny.

“I’m Tiffany.” She says.

When Jessica looks at her she sees a smile and nothing else.

She swallows the lump in her throat.

“Jessica.”

\--

Jessica writes every day.She has two journals. One is to document her every day experiences. It’s a small leather bound journal she keeps in her back pocket. She writes her experiences as they happen so that even if her mind forgets, the memory will still exist. The other is smaller in width but bigger in length. She reads this one every morning. It contains all the important information she needs to know before she can step foot outside of her apartment.

_You quit your office job; you work at the bookstore with Sooyoung and Hyoyeon now. Your parents are divorced; your father cheated – you don’t talk to him anymore. Your sister is studying in America. She calls at 2pm every day._

As Jessica sits down that night she goes through her small journal and reads through all the things she wrote that day. She reads of how Hyoyeon had called in sick unexpectedly so she spent three hours shelving books on her own; of how she and Sooyoung spent their break singing pop songs at the top of their lungs until their throats were sore and their stomachs hurt from laughing; of how she spent the last hour of work looking out at the darkening sky and hoping that it would rain.

Rain.

When Jessica thinks of rain she is reminded of Tiffany and her smile that made her feel warm and her eyes that twinkled like they were made of stars. The thought of Tiffany makes her hands feel numb and her heart thump erratically.

Jessica writes this all down so that one day when she goes back to reread it, she can try and feel what herself feels now. So that her future self can be reminded that at one point in time she met a girl who made her feel like she could fly.

Reading back what she wrote, Jessica bites her lip. Her memory of Tiffany is still fresh in her mind –after all, it only happened two hours ago –but she’ll forget soon, just like always. Jessica doesn’t want to forget (she never does but this is one of those times where she feels like to forget would be akin to something like murder). Impulsively, Jessica picks up the important journal and flips it open to the newest page. She writes hurriedly.

_You met a beautiful girl in the rain today. Her name is Tiffany._

\--

When Jessica sees her, she stops. She can’t seem to figure out why her knees feel like they’re going to give out or why her heart beats wildly in her chest as she sees this girl watering flowers in front of a small shop, but for whatever reason she goes immobile.

“Oh, it’s you!” the girl exclaims after noticing the frozen girl. “Hi, Jessica!”

Jessica doesn’t think she’s ever met this girl before, but she doesn’t exactly trust her memory anymore so she’s probably wrong.

“Remember me? Tiffany? We met yesterday while it was raining.”

Oh. She’s the Tiffany from her journal.

“Hello,” Jessica says, voice small and breath shaky.

She doesn’t understand why her body reacts the way it does, but this girl – Tiffany – is special, and while she may not be able to recall exactly why, she can feel it. And she knows that she wouldn’t have put her in her important journal if she wasn’t.

“Going somewhere?” Tiffany asks with a tilt of her head.

Adorable.

 

“Work.”

 

Jessica hopes she doesn’t come off as rude. She’s never been good with socializing, even before when she was normal. She doubts her circumstances now would change that.

“Oh, where do you work?”

Jessica digs her nails into her palm and tightens her hold on the strap of her bag. She doesn’t like questions especially when she can’t be sure that she’s answering them accurately.

“Bookstore. It’s down the street.”

Tiffany’s face lights with the kind of genuine joy Jessica didn’t think existed. She’s always been a bit of a realist (a realist, not a pessimist –Sooyoung’s never believed there was a difference).

“That’s really cool!” Tiffany says like working in a bookstore is the most exciting job. It really isn’t though considering books have been on the decline ever since e-readers became a thing. “I’ve always loved books, but I don’t have much time for that anymore, you know?”

Jessica nods. She doesn’t actually know. She used to love reading too, but she doesn’t see much point in reading one now when she won’t even be able to remember what it’s about after a few hours.

“Well, I’ll let you go. I’ve got to get back to work too.” Tiffany nods to the humble flower shop behind her. Jessica’s probably passed it many times on the way to work, but it still feels like she’s looking at it for the first time.

“Maybe I’ll come visit you some time.” Tiffany smiles as Jessica’s hand slowly inches to the journal in her back pocket. “Bye, Jessica!”

As Jessica walks she writes of her run-in with Tiffany, a smile unknowingly coming to her face. The smile stays with her even as she’s working and at one point, Sooyoung comes over and asks what she’s so happy about. Jessica shrugs and after Sooyoung leaves mumbling something about her being a “crazy girl,” Jessica pulls out her journal and reads the latest entry.

_You saw Tiffany again. She works at the flower shop on the way to work. She said she might visit you. You were right. She’s beautiful._

\--

Tiffany says hi to her every morning like she’s an old friend and it isn’t the first time they’re meeting and while it really isn’t, it still feels that way to Jessica. Despite reading her journal entries of the beautiful flower shop girl she sees every day, seeing Tiffany in person still has Jessica stumbling over her words and freezing in place. Tiffany probably thinks she’s crazy. Jessica thinks she wouldn’t be so far off the mark if she did.

Sometimes Tiffany stops by the bookstore, all smiles and bright energy. She stays anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, talking to Jessica about anything that comes to mind. Jessica wishes those days would never end.

Jessica likes Tiffany. She likes Tiffany because Tiffany makes her feel safe, makes her feel normal, makes her feel alive. And even though Jessica has to try really hard to pretend like she always knows what Tiffany’s talking about, Jessica doesn’t want to tell Tiffany just yet. She wants to preserve the only normal relationship she has. She wants to be alive again.

“You should just tell her.” Krystal says during one of their nightly calls.

“I just want to be normal.”

Krystal sighs like this is a conversation they’ve had before. It probably is.

“I know, but it’s not fair to her. Just tell her.”

Krystal’s right, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. She doesn’t want to forget, but maybe things would be better if she had never met Tiffany. Maybe.

That night, Jessica goes through her journals and tears out everything she’s written about Tiffany. She wants to erase Tiffany from her life so that she doesn’t have to know what it’s like to have something she wants so desperately be dangled right in front of her. As she rips out the last page, she feels a tear drop fall onto it. She hadn’t even realized she’d been crying. When she looks down at the page and reads the only sentence written on it, her tears fall faster and her vision blurs.

_You love her._

\--

The second time, the road is frozen and the air is cold. She hasn’t gone to work in a week as per request of her past self. She isn’t sure why only that whenever she read through her important journal it told her that she was currently on a week’s vacation. As she walks she comes up with random theories as to why she took a vacation. Maybe she was sick? Maybe she was being overworked? Maybe there was zombie apocalypse that would last for a week and-

“Jessi!”

Jessi?

A girl is running towards her, smile bright and eyes crinkled in happiness. Jessica doesn’t recognize this girl, but this girl obviously seems to know her. Jessica thinks she would have written down about any new friends she’d made (especially one as pretty as this girl), so she stares in confusion as the girl draws closer.

“Hey, Jessi! It’s been awhile. Were you sick?”

Jessica stiffens and tightens her hold on her bag. Who is she?

“I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

The girl’s face falls and Jessica doesn’t know why but her heart beats painfully in her chest as she watches.

“Of course, I’m Tiffany. We talk like every day, silly.” Tiffany laughs and Jessica can tell that it’s out of uneasiness more than anything.

Tiffany. Jessica doesn’t know any Tiffany’s. Perhaps she met her before and just forgot to write about her? But Tiffany said they talked every day, Jessica would have surely written about her if that were true. She must have the wrong person.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jessica says and the wounded look that Tiffany gives her brings her so much pain it’s almost unbearable. Her head begins to pound mercilessly.

“Jessi,” Tiffany starts, biting her lip to keep her composure. “You’re scaring me.”

Jessica’s head is throbbing now. She can’t take this anymore.

“Look, Tiffany, I’m really sorry if we met before and I can’t remember.”

As Jessica says her next words, Tiffany pales and her eyes widen like her entire world has just ended.

“I have anterograde amnesia, I can’t remember new things. I’m sorry.”

\--

The first mention of Tiffany in either of Jessica’s journals is about how she’d cried against Jessica’s shoulder when Jessica told her about her condition. It was a strange experience, but when Jessica had tentatively wrapped her arms around the sobbing girl, everything felt strangely okay. Her headache went away, her heart calmed, she felt at peace. Holding Tiffany was nice. She wants to do it again.

The next mention is of how Tiffany came to visit her at work and they spent the whole time talking. They talked about everything. Tiffany told her they became friends a month ago. Jessica told her what happened to her, how she underwent surgery to cure her epilepsy and could never remember anything new since. Tiffany had left that day with the promise of coming back again.

She kept it.

Tiffany appears in Jessica’s journals every day. She writes about her constantly, about how she laughs with her hands and smiles more with her eyes; about how her voice is loud but nice to listen to; about how sometimes Jessica will look up from her journal only to see Tiffany smiling softly back at her; about how Jessica really likes this.

“What are you always writing about in there?” Tiffany asks one day, pointing towards the pocket sized journal in front of Jessica.

Jessica shrugs and pulls at the edge of the paper.

“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know.” Jessica shrugs again.

A warm hand envelops her own and Jessica looks up to see that damn smile directed at her. She swears that smile should be illegal.

“Can I read it?”

Jessica’s never let anyone read her journal before. It’s always been something that was just for her, but Tiffany still has that smile on her face and Jessica finds it impossible to say no.

Silently, Jessica pushes the small book to Tiffany who takes it happily and opens it to the first page. It’s a strange feeling, sitting there as someone reads every thought that’s entered her head since the surgery. She’s sure if it were anyone else she would have left the table so that she wouldn’t have to see their reaction, but this is Tiffany, and Tiffany’s somehow become an exception to many things.

“You write so much.” Tiffany says, skimming the pages, flipping them one by one. She looks at Jessica with curious eyes. “Why?”

Jessica sighs and looks out at the window. It’s raining.

She likes the rain.

A sense of familiarity washes over her like she’s been in a situation similar to this and she just can’t remember. Jessica feels this often.

She says more to herself than to Tiffany, “If I write it all down, maybe one day I won’t forget.”

Silence fills the space between them and it feels like there’s a distance between them that Jessica will never be able to close. And really, she won’t. Jessica will always be stuck in the same day as Tiffany keeps moving forward, until one day Tiffany leaves her behind because no matter how much Jessica pretends like she’s fine and everything’s normal, it isn’t. She can pretend not to notice the way Tiffany’s smile dims when Jessica has to ask her again what she’s referring to even though it was from a conversation that only happened hours before, but that won’t mean everything’s okay. The charade can only last so long before reality hits and all Jessica can do is watch as it happens thinking over and over again –it’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not-

“You write about me?” Tiffany asks, surprised, which Jessica thinks is ridiculous because of course she would write about Tiffany.

No matter how useless writing it all down is, Jessica still clings to that hope that maybe it isn’t (if she didn’t, she would have ended things herself a long time ago).

“I don’t want to forget you.” Jessica says honestly.

Tiffany freezes, lips parted and eyes glistening. Jessica thinks she’s never seen someone as beautiful before. If she were to choose one memory to keep with her for the rest of her life, she thinks it would be this one.

“Jessi.”

Tiffany kisses her gently at first. Her lips are warm but her fingers feel cold as they cup Jessica’s face.

“Jessi.” Tiffany whispers again, and presses against her once more, harder and more desperate.

As Jessica presses back with equal enthusiasm, she can’t help but pray that she’ll remember this tomorrow; that she’ll remember every touch, every sound. The realization that she won’t has her kissing Tiffany harder, biting softly at her bottom lip, hands roaming further.

“Please.” Tiffany moans.

Please. Please. Please.

\--

“You’re not going to find anything about last night in there.”

Jessica jumps at the voice and looks back to the girl lying in her bed. The stare she’s giving her isn’t one of sadness or resignation. It’s just a calm acceptance with another layer of something hidden within. It scares Jessica more than it calms her.

“I’m Tiffany.” She says. “Just in case you haven’t gotten that far yet.”

Jessica puts her journal down on her nightstand and focuses her attention on the girl with tousled hair and eyes that know too much.

“I figured as much. I write about you like I love you.”

It’s strange to be talking about herself like she’s another person, but really, isn’t that what she is? The Jessica that Tiffany knows is definitely different from the Jessica sitting next to her now.

“And do you?”

Jessica shrugs.

“I would assume so.”

Tiffany shakes her head and giggles at the absurdity of it all. It’s a strange situation they’re in, but Tiffany should have realized that when she walked into Jessica’s life.

“I wait months to hear you say that, only for you to let it out so nonchalantly like it’s nothing.”

Jessica scratches at her cheek, smiling sheepishly at Tiffany.

“Sorry, I just sort of assumed we were already together. All things considering.” Jessica gestures around them, at the crumpled sheets and clothes littering the floor and their own naked bodies.

Tiffany smiles, stealing Jessica’s breath as she does and Jessica wonders how much of herself Tiffany’s already taken.

“I should have known things would be different with you.” Tiffany says and then kisses Jessica.

Right, because Jessica will never be normal. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe.

\--

“It must be nice,” Tiffany starts as Jessica watches her carefully; if she won’t remember Tiffany tomorrow then she’ll memorize everything now, “To be able to start over every day. A lot of people would kill for that.”

Jessica had probably thought like that too once, but she knows better. Starting over is nice when you’re given the choice to, but it’s different when it’s forced upon you. Jessica would give anything to remember even a little of what happens to her daily. Written memories are vastly different from experienced ones.

“I suppose.” Jessica says. “It’d still be nice to remember some things.”

Tiffany leans her head onto Jessica’s shoulder so that the lovely scent of strawberries invades Jessica’s senses. It’s intoxicating, breathing her in.

“I keep thinking about how much I wish I wouldn’t have to forget this tomorrow.” Jessica voices. She’s been thinking this since she woke up this morning and found a beautiful girl sitting at her kitchen table. She wonders if she thinks this every time they’re together. Probably.

Tiffany holds Jessica’s hand, playing with her fingers. Her thumb runs over the back of her hand methodically. Once. Twice. Three times. After the seventh she stops and lifts their joined hands so that they’re reaching towards the ceiling. Everything about Tiffany is entrancing –her touch, her voice, her eyes –it makes Jessica wonder why Tiffany bothers with someone like her who could never fully appreciate her.

“I’ll remember everything.” Tiffany says suddenly and it takes Jessica awhile to recall what they’d been talking about. “I’ll remember everything even if you won’t so please don’t doubt us.”

When Jessica looks at Tiffany it hurts. It hurts because she knows that Tiffany deserves someone who would go to the moon and back for her, not someone like her, who would only get lost along the way. She wants Tiffany to be happy. She wants Tiffany to be happy with her.

She just wants Tiffany.

\--

“I know nothing about you.”

Jessica realizes one day. They’re on Jessica’s balcony, watching as other people live their own lives so that they don’t have to.

Tiffany laughs, it’s loud and raw and everything her journal said it would be.

“You know plenty.” Tiffany dismisses with a wave of her hand, but Jessica already has her journal out and pen ready. She wants to know everything.

“You’re American.” Jessica states and then she feels bad because Tiffany’s eyes light up as if that was something that Jessica remembered and not concluded.

“How did you-“

“You have an English name.”

“Oh, right.”

Jessica smiles, ignoring the way that Tiffany deflates, but Jessica can’t blame her. It’s exhausting living with a hope that will never be realized.

“Where are you from?”

Tiffany answers between sips of wine. “California. I moved here my second year of high school. I wanted to be a singer.”

“You sing?”

“Sang.” Tiffany smiles wryly and points to her neck. “Vocal nodules. No company wants to invest in damaged goods.”

“You didn’t want to move back?”

Tiffany smiles out at the city scape. It’s a smile that’s tired and radiant all at the same time. Jessica can’t help but wonder how someone can be so paradoxically beautiful.

“I’ve always been pretty stubborn.” When Tiffany looks at her, Jessica thinks she can see the city itself reflected in her eyes. That’s what Tiffany is: she’s every dream, every miracle, every star that’s ever existed. She speaks and Jessica knows that Tiffany means more than what she’s actually saying.

“I don’t give up easily.”

_I won’t give up on you._

__

\--

There’s nothing simple about their relationship. It consists mostly of long conversations and kisses that still feel like they’re being stolen. Jessica writes all of it down so that she can read it in the morning and try to fill in all the gaps she can’t see but knows are there. So that when she wakes up and sees an unfamiliar person next to her, she’ll know not to be afraid (she’s never afraid).  

“I’m sorry”

Jessica always says but she feels like it’ll never be enough. Tiffany doesn’t deserve this. She deserves so much more, so much more than what Jessica can give her.

“Don’t be.” Tiffany whispers, kissing away any doubt that Jessica still has –will always have.

Tiffany loves her. Jessica can feel it in every kiss, every look, and while Tiffany’s love makes Jessica feel like she can tackle the world, it also makes her feel guilty for being selfish enough to not want to share it with anyone else.

“If you don’t go to sleep, will you remember?” Tiffany asks hopefully but Jessica knows that she already knows the answer. Sometimes you just need to hear it out loud.

“It doesn’t work like that.” Jessica says as Tiffany smiles sadly. “I can only remember so much. Things from this morning are already gone. Things from lunch are becoming blurry. By the time it hits morning, asleep or not, I’ll have forgotten everything that happened today.”

Tiffany kisses her like she wants Jessica to forget that she forgets. It’s long and hard and filled with so much passion it leaves Jessica breathless and wanting more. As Jessica gasps for the breath that Tiffany stole, she feels Tiffany whisper against her lips.

“I’ll just have to keep reminding you then.”

In the middle of the night, as Tiffany lay peacefully asleep, Jessica reaches for the pen on her nightstand. Using the moon as a light, she writes along the skin of her arm. She’s going to remember Tiffany, even if it means permanently etching all of her onto her body. She has to try. She has to.

_Her name is Tiffany. You love her._

\--

“What is that?”

Tiffany points at the writing on Jessica’s arm. Jessica shrugs. She supposes the her last night just wanted the her today to remember better.

“I don’t know. I just woke up with it.”

Tiffany laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek. Jessica isn’t sure what she’s done to deserve such physical affection, but she knows that she wants to do it again. And again. And again.

Tiffany whispers against Jessica’s ear, sending shivers down Jessica’s spine.

“Thank you.”

\--

“What are you doing?”

Tiffany’s holding Jessica’s journal in her hands. The journal has become less and less about Jessica’s life every day and more and more about Tiffany.

“You never write about anything else anymore, Jessi.” Tiffany says and the look in her eyes makes Jessica feel cold and scared, like she’s slowly losing something she never really had in the first place.

“Nothing else is important.”

Tiffany sighs and she’s clutching the journal so hard in her hands, Jessica can see the whites of her knuckles and the veins in her arms.

“I love you, Jessica.”

_Jessi._

__

Jessica wrote in her journal that Tiffany always calls her Jessi, never Jessica.

“I love you too.”

Tiffany kisses her hard that night like she’s marking Jessica, scarring her with her body so that she’ll never remember anything else. Jessica claws at her back, leaving scratches she knows will stay for a while. They’re leaving traces of each other on their bodies, simple reminders of a love that will never really exist. Jessica pretends like she doesn’t know what’s happening, but she isn’t stupid. She knows that this is the end. She knows because she’s been expecting it. There’s only so much you can give before you start to want more, and Jessica will never be able to give Tiffany what she needs.

Jessica feels the bed dip and Tiffany’s warmth disappear. She shuts her eyes to the broken goodbye and wonders how something she only found today can hurt so much. Tiffany’s scent lingers on the sheets and all Jessica can think is that she just wants to remember.

She just wants to remember.

She just wants-

\--

The third time, the sun is shining. The sky is blue and the air is warm. It’s the perfect day. Jessica hums as she walks because it’s the kind of weather that calls for that sort of thing. She’s been feeling down for the past few weeks and she couldn’t figure out why. She checked her journals but there was nothing in them that hinted as to why she might be feeling this way. There was writing on her arm, but she couldn’t make out what it said. It was all so frustrating to the point that Jessica refused to write about it completely. For the first time in forever, she wanted to forget.

As Jessica walks she catches sight of a girl standing on the other side of street. She stops. The girl is familiar like Jessica’s seen her before in a magazine or a movie, but also in the way that she could be an old friend or past acquaintance. But when Jessica sees the girl’s face, she feels like gravity has come down on her full force and like all this time she’s just been floating with no destination and she’s finally come back down to the ground. It’s exhilarating and scary and every feeling imaginable, but when Jessica looks at her, things make sense. It all makes sense.

Without a second thought, Jessica crosses the street and taps the girl on her shoulder. When their eyes meet, Jessica sees the recognition she knows is reflected in her own eyes.

Jessica smiles.

“Your name is Tiffany. I love you.”

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just say that I hate this fic. I hate it with the burning passion of a thousand suns, and even then that doesn't accurately describe how much I /actually/ loathe it. I wrote it so long ago and there's so much that I would change about it now if I wasn't so lazy, but alas, I am really quite lazy and so here is this mess that I hate. I posted this back on my LJ (now deleted, RIP) and I kind of just left without warning so I apologize for that. Keireshi isn't a name I'll be posting anything new on any time soon, but I will post all of my old stuff here for anyone who wants it. So, really, thank you to anyone who reads this and actually enjoys it lol


End file.
